The Man Who Sold The World
by twilight-hp123
Summary: A longing drove him to rebel. To fight. A longing for a man who longed only for another. Freedom tasted bitter in Cas' tongue. Only one kiss came to sweeten it. But this left too. He was never his anyway. Cas' pov. Hints of: destiel, wincest and sastiel.
1. Daddy Issues

**Daddy Issues**

Castiel had lived so many years; an eternity filled with empty aches.

 _(Something more. Something more)_

So much, he would had never imagined that humanity would had feel so devastatingly free.

Since he had memory, he saw himself sitting on heaven, looking down and thinking how awfully complicated humans made everything. How many unnecessary issues. how much pain and mistakes they would prevent by just being practical.

But a day came and the something more felt nearer than ever.

It wore a leather jacket. And he was free and rebellious in a way Cas could had never been. That's why the devastation hit so much harder when he met him. And what he said... it made sense. Why did he had to destroy the planet he'd been looking and taking care of since forever? Because it was written? Because he had orders? Since when destroying was an angel's job? Was that what their father actually wanted?

 _(Something more. Something more)_

He tried to stay away. Stuck with his brothers' words. They said God did wanted this. That it would help make earth a better place. But the more he saw into it, the more he heard what Dean and Sam said, the less sense it had. He was an Angel of the Lord. His job was to protect humanity. Not ruin it.

Suddenly, a vein in him burst and he became. It felt right. He felt right, for the first time ever. The pieces fit. Finally.

He awoke as if the real Cas had been sleeping all along. Waiting. For freedom. For him.

Cas saw Dean and saw a self made man. Despite the flaws. He was right. He did right. And he would follow him everywhere.

A new anxious and eager Cas appeared. shattered with every human emotion felt in this angel's soul, he fought along them both. Would die for them. Time and time again. And he did. Time and time again, Cas would fight and wait for a glimpse. something that gave away. He would look at him and wait until the grin of approval came. And he would feel a rush go through him.

Cas didn't had the words to describe it at the time. Now he knew all too well.

Year after year, monster after monster, Apocalipsis after Apocalipsis, Cas would always wait for the approving grin. But with time, he noticed. The grin was the same. The words of approval. The pats on the shoulder. They were there. Always after Sam's. And this was something that would never change.

He had been alright with that, at first.

Now Castiel needed more than just pats.

Than just grins.

Than repetitive words of courage.

 _(Something more. Something more)_

How can a heart break if it's non existent? How can a spirit feel if there are nothing? Himself wasn't made for this. Feelings. He had no soul, no heart to make them. And still...

Dean had broke him time and time again. A miracle. A kiss with her. A look with him. And then Cas. Always last. Always the leftovers. He'd been happy with that once. But it hurt too much now.

He would never deny him anything. But Castiel needed to put space. So he did. Time and time again, he did his own thing. And time and time again, he came back.

He was doomed. Doomed by a Winchester, a human, that would never understand. Nothing. Him.

Sam's crazy came down because of him. And he had to fix him. He had too. He owed it to them. To Sam. And Dean.

After that, nothing was the same.

He had hoped for change, and he was changed forever.

 _Something more..._


	2. Sweater Weather

**Sweater Weather**

Sam Winchester's pain was nothing like he had ever experienced before. Filled with all things Winchester. Regret. Guilt. Remorse. Pain. Anger. But full of Sam in a way that took Castiel by surprise.

He was used to see past him and not look. But now there was so much Sam, Castiel was so Full of him, his fears, his horrors, his pain. He'd never felt so much humanity if he had been himself human.

Sam Winchester was a force to be reckoned with.

When Castiel took Sam's hell, he took it with all that it entailed.

He met himself differently through Sam's eyes.

He look and saw himself for the first time, him and him alone. There was a Sam-ness to him. In this place. But that did not took away the reality. Castiel met himself in a way he'd never thought himself as. Kinder. In these visions, that Castiel showed struggling. But still, good.

Sam understood. Finally. And he understood Sam.

In those months of feeling mental, of feeling every inch of torture, every touch of kindness ripped away and made again, Cas saw an equal as he'd never seen one before.

No brother of his could compare to this. No mission; no lovely demon. And with the thought pulling at his heartstrings, Castiel saw too, that Dean could never see him. Not matter how much he would have liked that.

For the first time, he understood something primal living inside him. And once he got better and got reunited with the men, everything was clearer.

Dean called him crazy. Sam just smiled at him. And he smiled back.

Castiel understood now, even in that delirious state, that to Sam, he would always smile back.

A new ache had born in him. And it was deeper than the sensation of freedom. Before, Castiel had saw. And now he understood that he has been seen back.

He decided then than he would stop running away. From them. from Dean and from himself.

Staying, doing what he thought was right, loving these flawed man, was more important to him.

So he did.

Again and again, he messed up. But his love for humanity had grown. Sam Winchester had shown him. Nothing was worth losing him. And so he was going to make his best to let him know he was worth fighting for too.

A broken man, looking for love. A love Dean was too selfish to give, even to Sam. A love he was so hungry for. After feeling his pain, Castiel felt the insane crave to help. To cure the throb; even if he knew, he knew, that his was not the one Sam Winchester needed.

Against all his better judgment. All the old parts of him that advised for practicality, Cas gave in. To a human. He gave in even if this human wasn't exactly what he had been wanting all along.

But both, seraphim and hunter; angel and boyking; man and man; gave in into each other. Hoping to quench something they thought unteperable.

Waves crushed. Doubts that sparced. Yes that tinged of "?". But it felt right, somehow. He felt good. Sam was a man that took him as his equal and that feeling was everything he never knew he craved.

There was something missing. But Dean wasn't here to interrupt. so he wouldn't let him. Sam was another case.

But Castiel should have learned by now. The Winchester brothers were a unity. And together they lived. For each other. To each other. No matter the hurt, nothing would compare as the pain of being apart. Not ever- That wasn't even a thought they had. And Castiel knew it deep down. He just wasn't ready to being blind again.

There had been something he'd never grasped about humanity before. The unnecessary pain. The heartbreak. Why would they put themselves in those situations? Why be hurt by own hand?

Now he recognized it in him.

A weight fell, away and onto him; the certainty piercing through.

Giving himself the last privilege of guilt, Castiel looked at him.

And let go.

* * *

The chapter titles are from two The Neighbourhood songs and the fic's from a Nirvana's one. Thanks for reading this... thing. And thank you, Laura for helping inspire all this mess of ships. She has an account on this site and writes similar things to mine: Rokurokubi. Go check her out, please


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